Tricky Patterns

Many times i feel we all are so conditioned.. To follow certain things in life.. Some of them due to the fear of "society", some of them out of love and respect for the family, and some of them just because thats what we've been doing all our lives or maybe have been seeing people around do it, and so we end up getting conditioned to expect the same things, and do things in such a way that that is what happens to us..
We tend to fall in a pattern of sorts.. Or maybe people make us fall into a pattern and we don't even realise.. Until one fine sunny day or a cold dark night, when you suddenly realise, that what you've been seeing around you, what you have been doing and expecting to happen in your life, is something that is not meant for you, never was.. And then you realise the reason that has been eluding you for all this while.. The sole reason behind all pain.. The pattern that you allowed yourself to fall into..
These patterns might do you good, cause there are examples of people having fallen into them and seemingly having a good life.. almost all of them..
But have we ever tried questioning them, what their real dream was, and where they are now? Not only in terms of a career or a family, but in the general sense of being happy.. How many people you meet can smile and say without second thoughts, that they are happy with their life that very moment? That if they were to die now, they will have no regrets? that they've done most of the things they always wanted to do? That they've not held themselves back for any sort of fear, For the fear of society, hurting close ones, the fear of losing.. That they over came all sort of fear and did what they really wanted to?

I believe most of us hold ourselves back thinking about a lot of things like society , family and failure.. We are scared to fall out of the pattern that has been set before us.. But how many of us realise, that this pattern is nothing but a choice? How many of us have the courage to choose what we really want? Without guilt, without getting bogged down by guilt? Family will be happy if you are happy, and the society doesn't give a shit anyway.. Are your desires your feelings intense and true enough to overcome all your fears? are you strong enough?

A recent 5-10 mins conversation with someone unexpected, made me go over my life in general.. About the decisions i've taken and the ones that i'm taking now..

Certain aspects of life keep following a pattern.. but there is this one part of life, that refuses to behave or fall in any pattern of any sort.. It is a rebel.. and i believe that is the part that makes me, me.. I also believe every person has something within them that will never fall in line. that will refuse to follow anyone's orders. However small, unnoticed or insignificant that part might be, it exists. and that is the true you..

These patterns are tricky things.. That conversation made me realise what i really want, which i had an inkling of, but i realised it in depth that night.. Sometimes help comes from the most unlikely of places.. We just need to keep our soul open to receive, and our heart open, to give.. :)

For everyone/everything else there are these tricky patterns.. Not for the real you! :)

About love

Be ready, this one, might turn into a LONG! post.. ;)

Just yesterday, coming back from a friend's wedding, in that not so comfortable sleeper coach, sitting on the upper berth, i wondered for some reason about what love is.. And realized that i was wondering aloud, resulting in all the tired, yet not wanting to sleep, heads to get ticking! Then they started pitching in their own definitions of what love is, maybe from what they've experienced, or heard from others. It also led to awkward situations and questions, pregnant pauses, and not so satisfactory answers.. But well the question still remains does anyone really know what love is? i'm still at a loss if i know what this feeling really is..

Some things that came through from others were..

Love is habit, when you stay with each other for long, share every moment of life, talk about everything with each other, cannot live without the other, when you need them , they become a habit and hence love is habit.

Love is adjustment, when you love a person (though we don't know what love is ;)), we are ready to adjust for them, even not do things which we so love to do, because they don't like them. So we adjust for them, because we want them to be happy, and don't want to hurt them, because we love them. So love is adjustment.

Love is sacrifice, might be a bit similar to adjustment, but with greater intensity. When you love someone, you are willing to sacrifice everything for them. No matter what it is. You might end up changing yourself completely for the one you love. Sometime sacrifice even includes giving up the person whom you so love, because you love them.. This might mean setting them free, or something similar. So love is also sacrifice.

Love is attraction, love is lust. For some, love is lust.. The sheer attraction and carnic desire to possess the body of the person they love, which in their opinion is love. It could be their way to express what they feel.

Love is pain, when a person feels sorrow, seeing the one they love in pain, then that is love. When you go through intense pain and are still willing to go through it with not one word of complain for the person you love, then that pain is love.

Love is patience, when you are willing to wait for someone to come to you no matter how long it takes, then that is love.

And so on and so forth.

I got a lot of opinions, but all most all of them comparing love to another emotion, or saying that that other emotion is what love is. All these things if considered individually cannot be termed as love. So, is love a gathering of all sorts of emotions? Or does love need the support of another emotion to define it? Is it like air or water, which is colorless, which cannot be seen without adding a color or flavor to it? Or does something like love does not exist on its own? it is always born out of a mixture of many emotions? Like some compound in scientific terms.

Then i asked, if love is habit, if after being with each other for so long you know everything about that person, and you are used to him, you know what his next move/reaction/action is going to be. Then, what is it when you don't spend time with the person, when due to certain external reasons it is not possible to share everything with him and yet you know what that person would do when? But whenever you meet, you are as synchronized as if you've been together for all your life? You will know exactly how the person is going to react, or be?

If love is adjustment/sacrifice, when you are willing to adjust for the sake of the other person's joy. Then, what is it, when the other person will not let you adjust, because he wants you to be the way you are, and though some of your things might cause him discomfort, he will not let it get to him? When he does not expect you to sacrifice anything, and neither will you want him to do the same?

If love is attraction if love is lust, if love is possessiveness, then what is it, when you know that the other person might be with someone else at any given point of time, and still you know what he is thinking of.. When even after so much timing having passed, you share the same chemistry, and know each other like your own self?

What is it when without even having met the person, without having seen the person, at the first contact you know he is someone different? When you know that the thing which you share is not that people commonly come across? What is it that knowing full well of the other person's situation, nothing stops you from feeling the way you do. Not even yourself, not even that person. Nothing can stop you, or the other person. What is it, when two people are so synchronized that the other knows what one person is doing, thinking or feeling, even if they are miles apart, and not in touch. What is it when you just know that something is meant to be, and it shall always stay, even if in the material world it does not come alive. It may not, but since it is so alive and vibrant, nothing can stop it from being. Nothing can stop it from being noticed. People may try not to acknowledge it, they may try to crush it, blame it, disgrace it, but it will shine through.. What is it, that goes through hardships so unmanly, inflicted upon it by those two people and some by other people too.. What is it? Is it love? But then do we really know what love is?

Can you tell me something about love? My soul seems to reach no conclusion on this topic.. About love..

Expectations and assumptions

We've all heard people talk about this, experience this and yet do this- expect. We've heard people say that expectations hurt. It is actually not the expectations that hurt, but the fact that they might not come true, or it not coming true, that hurts. So what if we expect something, and it doesn't happen, and yet we are alright with it? Then expectations won't hurt right? So in the end its how we deal with things or react to things that hurts. Not the things themselves.
Going a bit personal, recently, i'd decided that i'm not going to expect anything from a certain person in my life. There was a lot of hurt and negativity which led me to do certain things, but i ended up realising that inspite of all that, the basis had not changed even a bit. This realisation was what made me decide. To just keep doing what my heart tells me. To not question it at all and just keep following it. All this while not expecting anything in return. Though its a very hard task, and we always want to keep following our heart without questioning it, or the other person; reminding the "questioning-and-expecting-self" about not expecting, helps a lot! When you do this, even the smallest act or reaction from the other person feels like a huge bonus..
So thats that about expectations..
A very close friend of mine (C.Jo) an engineer loves to critisize economics. He says why do we have to assume so many things? What the point of proving things on the basis of assumptions? and so on and so forth.. But then don't we assume most of the things in life? Like you are on an Indian road, there is a round about, and you only look on the right side n then the left of the road, BUT what if someone is coming from the right side while you are looking on the left?!? Don't we assume that no one will do something like that? Rule or no rules, we assume this, and we expect people to follow it! might be a bit weird example, but the point it we keep assuming a lot of things in our daily lives as well.
So when things are not under your control, specially in case of feelings, why not assume for the better than the worst? This combined with no expectation, will work wonders in your favor. Of course it will demand a lot of patience. i mean truck loads of patience(so wish patience could come in small packets, like a drug, i would inject it daily!).

A debate

Since a very long time i've been mulling this over. I seem to reach an answer sometimes, but the contradicting side takes over again.. Flexible that i am, both ends manage to pull me towards them at a leisurely pace.. As if they know that both have me at their beck and call.
This could well be a very old debate, but i had to put it on. Though it has a part of the unstable atom, i somehow felt it deserves to be here than there.

So whats the deal about a marriage? Why is it that most of us want to get married to the person we love? Leave aside the societal restrictions etc. they are hardly of any concern. But is it because of that conditioning that we want to get married to the guy/girl we love? i doubt. i guess we just feel that if the other person truely loves us then they will be willing to get themselves in this contract of sorts. That they will be willing to commit to us in front of the whole wide world.
Now the question comes of the period after two people are married. They have to do things as a husband or wife that are "expected" of them. Then whether they love each other or not. Wether they feel like doing those things or not. They HAVE TO, since they are married. Many times people don't, and then the relationship becomes dysfunctional, something starts rotting within the strands. Do they really stick to what they feel? Do they really mean marriage? Sometimes i feel they just move away from the real meaning of marriage, people get married without knowing what it really is and end up messing everything up.

In the other case, if two people really love each other, and they do not get married, they live with each other of their own free will, with no contract, no obligations binding them to each other, but their own true feelings and free will, then will there be any pressure of compulsorily "having to" things for the other? Of having to oblige to certain things against one's desire, only because they are married? no there will not be. Isn't something done voluntarily by a person much more pure and valueable than something done under compulsion?

But then again people get married cause they love each other, however after a certain period that too turns into something that none wanted, only cause they have to do things which they don't want to, but have to. On top of that they are led to believe that they want those things!!

I've tried to find a reason behind marriage, i still believe it is something pure, its love at such a high that two people are willing to spend their whole lives with each other, and not look at any other alluring being around! They are willing to give up many things when they tie the knot. But then do you really want to take love to that high, bind it completely, cut its wings off and keep it as your pet? Do you really want a bird whose wings you have cut, only to go back home every night and find it lying in some corner of your house, whimpering inside, aching to break free, but not being able to. Do you want to get married only to have someone to fall back on? Someone who is there only because they don't have any other choice? only cause of the strands which you have imposed on each other? which have bound the two so badly that the threads now cut into the flesh, and hence cannot be freed? Wouldn't it be better to just have a tiny birdy flying about your head when you come back? To sing to you a soothing song of free love? To rest of your shoulder of its own accord? and just stay :)

I wonder what is better.. the knowledge that your significant other is going to be there cause you have married him/her or the fact that someone is always going to walk with you only cause they really love you, and are there only cause they want to be. :)

Knots

A parallel post to the one on my other blog. Had to have some sane insight into my insane ramblings there.. ;)

Once not very long back i've written about knots, on the other blog too. It was during some event in college, while decorating the corridors, that i realised this. While trying to undo some knots in some fabric, i realised we were just making it worse.. Many times it happens that we try to do the same in relationships, we try so hard to undo complications that we end up worsening them. This was what i learnt then.

Now i feel, some knots are just made to be, no matter how much you try, they will remain.. You try to undo them without causing harm to the fabric and they will worsen. So you've to take a call, so you want the knot to be undone or you want the fabric to remain, then you may decide to cut the knot, but then the fabric will be harmed too and the knot will still remain..

Many times, the knot is the one joining two strands to make it one, and if you manage to undo the knot you will not have the same fabric any more..

So some knots are made to be, and without them it will not be the same any more..

we just need to know what we want.

Some knots will just stay, cut them, burn them, throw them, drown them.. They will stay..

Signs

They are all over. Somehow i missed them every time. Or maybe i just refused to believe them. Refused to trust them perhaps. Or maybe i just didn't want to know what they were telling me. but the signs tell a story.. And it is mostly trustworthy. Maybe nature designs them using the strokes that our vibes give it. Its like the who world, the universe, the environment everything is a canvas as well as the colors, nature uses a brush and the strokes are the power/energy which create the picture. The vibrations which we give out, knowingly and unknowingly are the ones which create this picture.. And nature tells it to us, it shows us the picture, it allows us to change the strokes.. Its upto us to review the picture and change the strokes.. I don't say colors, because even black can create beautiful pictures, more beautiful than colored ones, if its stroked the right way.. :) Read the signs, hey are all there. For me its about time i start wanting to read them and trust them, cause even if they might tell me something i don't want, they are leading me to something i need.. :)

Vengeance

The title sounds way away from the theme of this blog, but there is something coming out of it too.. A recent few weeks have wreak complete havoc on my senses, all my senses, be it physical, struggling to stand or not knowing when the brain will give way and resign.. mental, emotional, losing track of time, forgetting where i was, trances.. all of them. I've struggled to hold on to something i believed in.. Like a drowning man holds on to a twig in the ocean, wanting to trust, and wanting fight all the demons that were right there waiting to charge me down.. Finally letting them triumph for the fear of losing everything all over again, though i did lose everything all over again..
Varied thoughts ransacked my brain, varying degrees of them. This post is about one such feeling i felt very strongly one night, i've never felt it so strongly before, and i've never controlled myself to such an extent before. it took all my might to fight this one, though i acted upon it a bit, had i acted upon it completely the results would've been disastrous. i hope this post will show some light to people who have felt the same, or are feeling the same.. I hope it gives you a path, which requires strength. A lot of strength.


Vengeance does not stop at one thing. It gets you greedy. Its a vicious creature that feeds on itself. If even one tiny seed is planted, it grows into the most ugly, bloody, blood-thirsty monster ever known. It murders the soul and thrives on itself. Nothing can kill it but determination. Keeping the soul about its tempting, all consuming grip. Its dangerous, its tricky, let the poison not grow. It leaves wounds which stay forever young, un-erasable, on the person who faces its wrath, but more on the hearth and mind of the person who seeks it. Nip it in the bud. It only causes decay, of the soul.. It leaves scars that remain forever, the wound does not scab over and heal.. Vengeance is sweet, its cold, but its never enough. Its like an addiction,it tempts like none other. kill it before it kills you. mercy can vanquish this creature of hell. Don't let it possess you. Let go..

Pray for strength.. Strength to hold on or let go, whatever it is that you want. But never let this feeling cage your heart or mind. its only causes more pain.

The reason behind the window

Guess this should've been the first post, but nonetheless.
On the other blog, i wrote a lot about everything i felt about everything(!). Going deeper into the vortex of life and complicating things further and trying to free myself. Endless loop. So then i decided to stop, slow down maybe. Here i hope look at things without myself and move away from the scary instability, though it continues to be the very core of life.. Here is an attempt to try and look at the things which life brings to us everyday, but we being so engrossed in pain and everything that we have created, that we ignore what nature has created for us, which is much better and necessary than what we create for us.. :)

So a tiny attempt to look outside of me.. You are welcome to share the window with me.. And what you might see from it.. :)

Doubt

Heard this line in a movie today morning:
"Doubt is a part of everyone's journey, no matter what they are looking for"

I added a bit to it "So, don't give up" :)

Cows and Dogs

We have so many cows around, on the roads.. Just hanging about.. blocking the traffic at times.. we curse them for moving so slowly, being dumb, or even for being there!!
They are constantly ruminating.. i feel they constantly absorb all the negative energies around the world.. Feel as if they are chewing it all and turning it into something positive.. They are just so peaceful with nothing bothering them.. Its as if they are just taking in all the pain agony and hurt into them and processing it into something better.. They make life easier for us, but just being there!! and here we are cursing away!! i guess they absorb even that!

Same goes for dogs, though i agree they create a havoc and not comaprable to the peaceful cows, but i feel they protect us from negativity, when they bark so incessantly.. Though there are many other reasons to it, specially in this season, when their hormones are running wild.. ;) but still, its as if they bark and keep the negative energies at bay.. :)

Life would be easier if we think of everything around us as working in our favor, and for our well being.. Which might just as well be true.. :)

Cheers!! To the peace and the commotion.. :)

Forever and Always

These two words seem to be used very haphazardly these days.. same goes for many other words which are very sacred and important, people just keep them lying around anywhere these days. Then realisation struck that like life is growing shorter, things are getting faster, forevers are also getting shorter!!
So just like we are getting used to shorter life spans and a faster life style, the things which had their beauty in length are maybe trying to find their roots in something else.. Wonder what though.. Forever and always meant forever and always.. what will it mean now?

Leveller, Lessons, Reality

Pain and rain, seem to be levellers in a way.. Rain the one which comes un-announced, maybe like a summer tempest, when all young old rich poor are caught unawares.. It drenches them all. Levels them.
Pain on the other hand could be of any kind, it drenches everyone too.. That is the time when we actually come alive and open our eyes to the realities of life.. That is when we know what the truth is. We may lose our mind to pain sometimes, but the realisations and realities come to the fore exactly during those moments of pain..
It teaches us a lesson everytime it comes around, unlike any other feeling or emotion, it pain that talks to us, is always with us.. Rest of the emotions are too selfish and short lived. I might sound like a pessimist or maybe even a masochist, but its not so..
We get drowned in the pain, when it wants us to rise.. We drown in it and we also lose the lesson that it meant to teach us.. The realities of life that it shows us, which are hidden away behind drapes of happiness, envy, joy, laughter, anger, romance.. It is only pain which unveils them.. Its only pain which is capable of slapping us right in the face and making us face the reality, and still be with us, and hold us through, bring us back to life..
So rain and pain, the two levellers, teaching us lessons about realities of life.. :)

Sunset

Watched the sun go down today from the balcony.. It was a red ball, as opposite as it can get, it appeared soothing and calm for some reason.. reassuring even..
It is the rendez-vous of day and night.. and the night will come, gradually.. Somewhere it is dawn.. and a new day is born.. pain, joy, numbness.. all come together.. when the sunsets upon us.. it promised me a new day.. :)

Liberated

It feels nice to be free from something. Maybe something bad or painful, be it physical pain or mental.. Sometimes it feels nice to be free from good things too.. Its just the state of being free, from no matter what, its like an elixir.. :) guess we get entangled only to be freed at some point of time.. from anything.. to be liberated..

Companionship

Something that comes from within.. Something that gets lost, when searched for outside.. :) Something that is always there, but lays forgotten..

colors

The sky is draped in beautiful colors this season.. Evenings get cooler, breezy..
There is hope in the air, of the on coming winter and the various promises it entails.. :)

il fait beau

Another puddle in the same place.. The wait seems to be long, for the rain to stop..
But the again, as Emily says: C'est parcequ'il pleut que tu pleures, c'est quand tu souris qu'il fait beaus.. (please pardon my bad french, and maybe wrong conjugations) :) So it shall be sunny cause the nothing can wipe out the flame that is hope.. Il toujours fait beau au coeur dans lequel habit l'espoir.. :) now thats what i said, not Emily.. ;) :D

I found..

Today i saw a new morning! a new hope in my heart.. and an un-stoppable smile!! :)
I saw care and truth behind the eyes which hurt seeing my pain and yet tried to make me smile, while they gulped the pain in my eyes as their own.. :)
I saw assurance, i saw real love, unconditional.. i saw friendship.. i saw all that i needed.. and i found it right besides me.. holding me, smiling for me..
I found music.. deep within my soul.. I found a long lost love..
I found a new morning today.. :) I found the sun again.. I found a fresh new fragrance.. I found myself.. :)

Little Girls..

Early morning, traffic on the road, and a few little girls, holding each others' hands crossing the road.. People brake and curse the parent who is walking ahead trying to wade his way, holding one of the girls' hand, while the other make a chain behind her, and then they move on.. people miss, the fear in the eyes of the tiny creatures.. and the trust with which they hold on to each other.. What was to happen if either one left their hand.. by mistake maybe.. but they don't they hold on.. no matter what.. :)
And they trust each other blindly.. which is rewarded.. they shall stay together always.. :)
The tiny girls.. god bless them..

Happy thoughts! :)

The sky is clear because there are no clouds..
There is no sun because it is setting..
There are no birds, they've gone to their nests..
There is just me who is tired of the rest..
The sun will rise again in the east,
and the maybe we'll have a feast!
Life is a celebration, it is not a pain..
Cause every festival has a different aim!
Winter is on its way,
And love is waiting to be gay..
You shall come one day of that i know..
To share smiles and tears alike..
No matter were they lead us,
Our roads are destined to meet..
And then we will walk.. hand in hand.. till the end.. and later.. :)

Energy

A broken heart radiates a lot of energy.. It needs to be put to use.. I noticed it being used for mostly reacting to the hurt, used for causing more hurt. It needs to be channelized properly, otherwise it can be disastrous.. very very dangerous.. for the holder and everyone around him/her..
This energy needs to be deviated to the right activities..
Everything brings something positive.. :)

Dragon files..

Two dragon flies mating.. Flying away.. Exhilarated..
And then they disppeared into the brightness of the sun..
I'm sure one of them exploded.. ;) :)

A smile

The curve of the lips.. upward.. increasing..
The hearts are still warm and open..
And they make me laugh..
More importantly they make smile.. :)
I noticed a smile..

Heart of a friend, and an old heart

Today i saw an old man letting a young chap go ahead in the line at the petrol pump.. It feels nice when someone does even such a small act of kindness and generosity.. :)

Last night i felt the heart of a friend. The warmth of that patient heart. I also sensed the heart of a lover trying to over-come it.. But a friend sustained..

a cuckoo and a puddle

Today there was a cuckoo, hopping on branches, trying to get to the juciest of all berries. Elegantly, nonchalantly, happily. There was a biggish puddle of water on the ground, from the lashes of rain last night, with shadows of the trees swaying around.. The sun was up though, unlike yesterday.. The sun shall stay.. :) it is a nice morning generally..

A tiny bird

From the office balcony, as i thought about the morning's events while sipping on some black concoction, i noticed a tiny bird.. in a balcony of the building opposite ours.. there is generally no one there.. in the pool of algae ridden water and old rubble.. there it was hopping about, and pecking at supposed chunks of food-algae.. happily moving about, alone.. being with itself.. i observed it, till it got lost behind some rock, and took the moment to leave it alone, with itself.. :)

Extremes and opposites

Today morning, when rain played around with the fresh delicate rays of sun, i actually peeped out of the window and saw few things, while drying my hair, and that is the main reason that led me into writing this blog..

The windows were closed and the curtains drawn, i open them both, and stared listelessly at the small patch of ground and trees visible from where i was.. and there i saw them, a pair of Mongoose.. Playing around with each other :) it was so refreshing to see them there.. One moment they fooled around as if there was nothing around but each other.. and the next the froze and ran away at the slightest noise of intruders around.. But the ran away togther.. :) how often do we get to see or even notice such display of varied feelings? apart from within ourselves?

It was nice to see nature maniest itself in those two creatures.. Made me wish i could've been a dumb creature of nature rather than a human being.. :)