Thinking

We think about certain things which bother us immensely. These things are completely outside our control and the more we think about these, the more it hurts us and drags us away from our aim.
Sometimes getting into a greater trouble makes us forget our smaller troubles. But that's not what we would ideally want!
We do need something that distracts we from these things which don't deserve any of our mind-space. Its like if we keep thinking about the meaning of life, we will forget to live.. And then the only way to find the meaning of life with force is to die. Instead if we just go on and live life every moment, life will itself present its meaning to us during one or many such moments that we truly live!
So its better to just stop thinking about those things and live what you get.. and mostly you will get what you want.. Instead of forcing these things to fall in place, which might make them get worse, just live what you experience, and then these things will let go too, and eventually present you with what you truly desire :)

continuation- holding on and letting go, and selfishness

Holding on is more painful and difficult at times than letting go. Sometimes a way of holding on is letting go. Many times we hold on cause we are scared of many things. We are unsure of ourselves or of the other person. .What if either ceases to feel the same way? But then this is the true test isn't it? At times we know nothing is going to change but the pain of being apart is too much and we do not want to be apart. Many times letting go makes people come back.. Not that they've gone away anywhere but this would make them come back in the true sense, without anything holding them back, without any conditions, but for that we have to let go of the fear.. And this is my biggest challenge. A war bigger than the one against impatience. It could be for most of us.. the fear.. it is entangled with impatience, or maybe the impatience is due to this fear.. nonetheless, it has to be fought.. After all we have just this one life.. We do all that we think and feel is good and which makes us happy in a way.. But sometimes we end up doing things that do not quite make us happy, and we feel its derived happiness that we will get.. maybe yes. Sacrificing and doing something someone else wants might makes us happy, but is it true pure flawless happiness? No.
We will have that tiny something in our heart always.. that we didn't do what we wanted to. God and our own soul will keep reminding us, of our duty that we owe to them.. Our first duty is to ourselves. Might seem a bit selfish, but we need to really think about this. cause if we are not happy we won't be able to make anyone else happy. and then if those people really love us they won't stand in the way of our happiness with unreasonable demands.. simple thing.. but not accepted of thought of as simply..

Drops

Indeed this time through a window. No philosophical snippets this time. Just sharing a pure joy that rain brings! sitting in the office with a huge window right behind and watching the drops braving the wind and reaching the earth, making her spread her perfume in exhiliration.. aaah.. its heaven!! It was a storm, thunder et al.. pure bliss.. Just to add a tiny bit in continuation to the post which talks about rain being a leveller, we actually come to know how many people love him, the lobby was full of almost everyone coming out to watch it pour. i could hardly contain my joy. So on the way back home its gonna be two loves re-uniting, hope it rains that time too, though its on hold for now. It has, as expected, brought with it so many things, as usual, and yet exciting, can never have enough of it! My dear rain!! :) :) :)

Happy monsoon!!! :D

Rainy tantrums or tantrumy rain?

So what is all the fuss about rain? Or is the fuss about there being just clouds and no rain, just a hope that it might rain anytime?

For me the later is true. I love rain, no matter when it pours, i've talked about rain in every way possible on the Atom. I've written about him as my lover and that of the Earth's. Agitation too but at his not appearing. I pine for him, almost similarly if not more, as does the Earth.

All these clouds over the city for past few days have heightened my greed and desperation for rain. This usually happens by June when its about time for it to start trickling if not pouring fulfledgedly. And hence this is my rainy tantrum for a tantrumy rain who is teasing me so badly. Sorry this sounds almost like the atom, but i thought i should give the window a chance to write about rain though my experiences with rain are very deeply personal and not to be shared here for the sake of learning or even for the sake of sharing(!)

i've written about the rain as being a leveller, so i could write about that perspective here, since it is more relevant to the soul window.
So, i believe that the rain is a leveller in its own small way, like death is in a greater way. It can be noticed when you step out of the house on a perfectly sunny morning, and reach home completely drenched, and so does everyone around you. There is a time when everyone walks out of the house prepared for this, but the rain becomes a leveller when everyone is taken by surprise. Then it doesn't matter if you are a street urchin or an elegant lady in an expensive rolls royce! You get equally drenched and taken aback.

Unlike death (since we don't yet know) the reactions of people differ to rain. As i said earlier i love rain no matter what, no matter where im going or what im doing, the sheer knowledge that it is raining lifts my spirits to no ends, nothing can spoil my mood then and it can take me out of the bluest of my moods.
Im not sure if anyone of you has experienced this, but there is something really weirdly magical about rain.. Feels as if he really romances Earth and she responds.... so beautifully, so purely..

So yes here is my rainy tantrum for my tantrumy rain! :)
The bull thought i should give the soul window a chance to host rain and vice versa.. so here i introduced them both! :) ;) they will surely warm up to each other.. :)

Constant Chrysalis

I saw some wingy insects last night, they fell in water and got their wings wet and then lost them, and became worms again.. Poor things they won't get wings again, since they can go through chrysalis only once in life..
Made me think about how many times do we go through chrysalis? Not physically, not as easily.. but we surely go through chrysalis all through life. Rahter life itself is a long chrysalis for us. Insects may change only pysically, their chrysalis is over once they grow out of the pupa.. But for us humans? we keep going through it, we keep changing.. Some common things and some uncommon things between the chrysalis for us and them. For both, whether we want it out not, it happens. we change after going through it. For them, they have to take great care so that the wings don't fall off, for us we have to make sure we understand how we've changed and to make the most of the learning we get.. For them, life doesn't end at the chrysalis, for us, maybe, once the chrysalis is over we rest. could be? who knows.. :)
Just wnjoy the wings, the colors that life offers us everyday, lets drape ourselves in these colorful wings and enjoy this constant chrysalis.. :) cheers!! :)

Whats you pick?

Yeah i do seem to be writing a lot about these since past few days ain't i? But then this is what life is all about isn't it? Its like we are given a clutch of colors, we pick out the ones we like and paint a picture for ourselves. Sometimes the colors look nice but when we paint with them the picture doesn't quite agree with our imagination. Sometimes we are aware that we might be given new colors but at times we are so disappointed with the picture we have colored that we fail to see the new colors appearing.. Sometimes we colors our picture so deeply that the new colors appear fade on the picture and we are stuck with the existing ones. Seldom do we realize that we can we can paint a new picture and not use the colors we liked previously and don't like any more!! or rather they don't suit the picture now!

Feels like i'm losing the touch with my analogies? or does it? ;) Anyhow this particular post was prompted after a particular discussion i had with a friend while advising on the issue of marriage (!) It made me think about the choices i'd made and the ones that people made about me as well.. I advised him the way someone had once advised me, and then it made me think more, everyone has bad points. A person maybe be a liar, who lies all the time, someone maybe be a murderer, the most untrustworthy person on earth, abusive, drunkard, short tempered, possessive, thief and any attribute you may consider as unwanted, unpleasing etc. but the same person also has something worth rooting for. So what matters in the end is what we are ok with! We first need to ask ourselves do we know that person well enough, do we know what he really is that what we see? And then what are we ok with? Are those bad qualities worth enough to let go of that person? Are we going to concentrate on the bad points and completely ignore what good the person possesses?
This is in case of a person who might be repetitively indulging in things that we feel are not acceptable to us.

In another case a person might make a mistake and act in a way that displeases us (now how many times does that happen these days?) Then, it might happen that we get so used to the person's goodness that the show of one bad point, that too out of mistake and not out of bad will, might make us lose trust, and that is where the question of choice comes in. So, are we willing to make allowance for that one thing the person has done wrong, (i'm assuming we know the person as far as it is possible to know and also the motive behind that act), will we consider the larger goodness in him or will we condemn for having committed a crime? It depends on what it is that matters to us? giving way for more bitterness or forgiveness? Another question we need to have answered, do we really know and understand the person. Equally important is the motive behind whatever her does. But the most important thing is- do we understand ourselves, to make the choices that we do? Do we think about the implications of our actions and how they affect the person we love, are those actions acceptable and if not do we take the trouble to change ourselves?

Whats your pick then? :)

PS: mine is the one who inspires me to write no matter what, leads me to be a better person.. and.. just be :)
To the Bull, Forever <3

A mother, a lover

Amongst the varied roles a woman plays in her day to day life, and somes times at unusual times, i feel these two are the most compassionate of them all.
These are as distinct and as similar as two can get, a very thin line between the two.
They are both feel extremely, intensely and very agressively for the ones who make them it, the child and the lover..
A mother never even in her imagination would dream of hurting a child, not matter whose it is.. She will show her compassion the depth and intensity of her feelings by showering emmense love and care even on the ones who hurt her.. Whereas a lover, with a broken heart, would not think twice before destroying the entire world to display the hurt and at the same time the intensity of her feelings..
A mother will never forgive the one who hurts her child, a lover will protect her love from every harm ever possible, even if it would mean losing herself in the process..
But then what will a woman do when she has to choose between the mother and the lover in her? How will she ever be able to make them both agree on one thing, is this choice ever possible? And what would she do then if either of the two is the cause of her losing either? Whom will she forgive or not forgive?
Whom would she kill?
Would she be a mother or a lover or both, and then would any one understand what turmoil she goes through? would either of them, the child and the lover be able to understand her decisions and actions? Would they care to know what is beyond the obvious?
A mother and a lover, i pray no woman ever has to go through this choice..

May be a bit too late since woman's day was a week ago, but dedicated to all women and here's praying that you have the strength to be yourself.

To hold on and let go- The decision

I'm sure many of us face this question many times, or maybe its just me, but when the time comes that you have to decide, you have to choose between hanging on and letting go, how do we do it?
How do we know it this is the time to let go and not pursue something you know is elusive and how do we fight the feeling that pushing just a bit harder will get us there?
How do we know that its time when letting will make you reach what you want and not holding on?
Its a different thing when you are up in the air and about to jump off a plane, you know when you have to jump, you know when you have to open the parachute.. you know when to let go of the plane and then the parachute..
How do we do it when something as fragile as emotions are involved?
When people decide things, do they just jump into it and then get on with whatever they have? What do they do? What can we do when all the pros are with you with no cons, and yet you have to let go? whereas at times when everything you ever wanted is on the other side and yet you decide not cross?
When to hold on and when to let go is the question.. maybe just sit back relax and let others do it for you.. Maybe laziness comes in handy here! ;)
On a side note- Guess our heart always knows what is to be done, it also knows what it wants, and how to get it, or maybe that it will reach its destination and also so through the journey that it wants.. So like i always say close your eyes and follow your heart, do what you really "feel" like doing, and you will know..
There are many diversions, distractions, but ultimately your heart knows deep within, it will help you unveil everything. Do as your heart prompts you to! Then there will be no need for decisions, they will happen automatically..

(Has come out a bit like the atom, but nonetheless here it is. Yet trying not to run away from making decisions)

Roles Reversed

Over the weekend i witnessed how you realise that you have grown when you see yourself in someone else, your actions and feelings. And when you realise that you are not there any more, that you have moved on, past that stage. It is slightly different from trying to look at things from other person's point of view but it does make you think from another perspective. This incidence made me contemplate about how i have changed in a very short span of time, from being someone that i saw in front of me now, to someone i am now, it so strange to see yourself in someone else, and to know which such relief that you are not the same any more.. such relief in roles reversed!

From a friend's blog

http://random-blabbers.blogspot.com/

You gotta read this..
The contemplation continues..

Shopping exercise

This could be another reason for not joining a gym and shopping instead..
We pay money in the gym so we can sweat out guts out and exercise, we spend money so we can get to use those machines..
So spending money in gym give us: a)machines to use. b) exercise.
But when we shop, it gives us: a)whatever things we buy b)Happiness, utter bliss c)exercise. All sort of exercise. Struggle out of clothes, struggle into new ones. walk in new shoes. struggle to get to the right pair of earrings. goes back and forth on the streets. Bargaining. The excitement, and increased heartbeats on seeing the perfect dress, no amount of running in the gym can match this.. :D :D
OK exaggerated enough, but isn't shopping much better than the gym? we not only get to exercise with all that walking around for hours together and various body movements, including pushing and shoving (LOL!) but also get whatever it is that we buy.. ;)
Just another reason (but a seemingly sensible one) for not joining gym.. ;)

Meno-pause

Seasons change, and so does the earth, to reflect them..
So if we think of these seasons to be the moods of nature, then we'll have to appreciate nature for having been so stable with her moods!
But observing the recent changes in her moods, can we say that nature is going through menopause? and if so we have to start being very careful.. Moods can get more violent, trust me, its not safe fooling around with someone whose moods change like so..
Especially when the earth dances to her tune.. and when we are so dependent on her..
About time we start being very careful, and giving in to her moody demands, if we want to survive and reach a calm end..

Lighter view

i read somewhere once "life becomes much easier once you admit theres a part of you that likes to be miserable". but do we let that part take complete control of life? some events, in fact a LOT of events recently made me ponder over this. It becomes a weird cycle, you become miserable, and then more miserable thinking that you are miserable! and then all the essence of being you is sucked out, and all that is left is a heap of misery.. its very difficult to wriggle out of it, and a very high possibility that it might follow. so better not get into something we can't get out of right? and hence lets take the lighter view.. :)

Temptation

I bring you seemingly strange children of my un-ceasing thoughts..

(Read also: Seduction)

Temption and seduction are related. But i think we got the equation the wrong way around. Generally people think sedcution leads to temptation, but i believe temptation is born before seduction can lead it on.. Seduction is but a catalyst in helping the temptation reach its destination.. Seduction cannot nurture something that does not exist.. It is born after and for temptation, it nurtures temptation and also thrives on it.. :)

So do we really give in to sedcution or are we only blaming it for doing what we are tempated to do? :)

Road Crossing

Saw people crossing the road. Not that it happens rarely, but with me constantly putting my bike through its pace, though there no much left to explore of its pace now, rarely notice the way people crossing the road, ready to give up their lives right in under the front tyre of my bike. But yesterday i noticed and observed them much closely. Normally we just keep cursing the way people walk on roads or cross them, if you are a driver. So what i wondered yesterday is can we possibly understand things about someone's personality based on the way he crosses a street? Well, normally we do judge them, but thats superficial. Can their manner tell us in a matters of seconds about how that person is at work, or maybe how he lives life generally? I guess it should be pretty simple. Yesterday i saw a girl who started off from one end of the road, look and there were no vehicles coming from the right side so she started walking and even though she had not reached the divider, she did not look at that side again, and just concentrate on the other direction! i mean what if some vehicle had come from the right side before she reached the divider? Must be a very common occurance this, but could it tell us something about how this girl might be? I thought maybe taking up a tas but not completeling it before taking up another one? Apologies for being too judgemental and unfair even maybe about some random girl i don't even rememebr properly. But just a something that made me think there are so many things that tell us so many things about people, but we only choose to concentrate on a few things.
Atleast for me its about time i expand my horizon about what i gather from people's behaviour.

External or internal?

Sometimes its nice to relate our happiness or sorrow to things external to us. Though it is anything but true.. Wonder how many people are able to deal with the fact that the things and people that surround us are not actually the reason behind anything that we feel? That our sorrow and happiness and any other feelings (see also: seduction) are our own and not attributable to any external things. I get very scared n restless when this realisation hits me.. and it happens quite often. I feel that if these things all that we see cannot make me happy or sad or make me do nething else then what am i alive for? if everything comes from within myself then what is the point of having this physical world around me? why am i still here? But even after this fear and realisation hits me, it does not take the life out of me, so i have to deal with staying alive.. and then its good to have some anchor outside of myself to live for.. Though nothing seems to be that alluring once this realisation hits, but i cannot let go of the material world completely owing to the extreme fear..
I had some how managed to create an illusion for myself about many things, and though i know those things do not hold true in the larger scheme of things, i have to be material at some level. To rid myself of the fear and utter emptiness.. And then when i think of the humans that i live for, i understand that like me they too are going to be void of the material world, and hence they themselves are not material, i understand the connections and then the fear of losing them ebbs aways.. I find my buoy.. What is yours? within yourself or is it outside?

Seduction

Seduction is not skin deep, it goes much further inside.
It toys with the ego, and plays with the very essence of the being.
It comes from within and fools the holder and it makes us believe that it was the object that seduced.

Tricky Patterns

Many times i feel we all are so conditioned.. To follow certain things in life.. Some of them due to the fear of "society", some of them out of love and respect for the family, and some of them just because thats what we've been doing all our lives or maybe have been seeing people around do it, and so we end up getting conditioned to expect the same things, and do things in such a way that that is what happens to us..
We tend to fall in a pattern of sorts.. Or maybe people make us fall into a pattern and we don't even realise.. Until one fine sunny day or a cold dark night, when you suddenly realise, that what you've been seeing around you, what you have been doing and expecting to happen in your life, is something that is not meant for you, never was.. And then you realise the reason that has been eluding you for all this while.. The sole reason behind all pain.. The pattern that you allowed yourself to fall into..
These patterns might do you good, cause there are examples of people having fallen into them and seemingly having a good life.. almost all of them..
But have we ever tried questioning them, what their real dream was, and where they are now? Not only in terms of a career or a family, but in the general sense of being happy.. How many people you meet can smile and say without second thoughts, that they are happy with their life that very moment? That if they were to die now, they will have no regrets? that they've done most of the things they always wanted to do? That they've not held themselves back for any sort of fear, For the fear of society, hurting close ones, the fear of losing.. That they over came all sort of fear and did what they really wanted to?

I believe most of us hold ourselves back thinking about a lot of things like society , family and failure.. We are scared to fall out of the pattern that has been set before us.. But how many of us realise, that this pattern is nothing but a choice? How many of us have the courage to choose what we really want? Without guilt, without getting bogged down by guilt? Family will be happy if you are happy, and the society doesn't give a shit anyway.. Are your desires your feelings intense and true enough to overcome all your fears? are you strong enough?

A recent 5-10 mins conversation with someone unexpected, made me go over my life in general.. About the decisions i've taken and the ones that i'm taking now..

Certain aspects of life keep following a pattern.. but there is this one part of life, that refuses to behave or fall in any pattern of any sort.. It is a rebel.. and i believe that is the part that makes me, me.. I also believe every person has something within them that will never fall in line. that will refuse to follow anyone's orders. However small, unnoticed or insignificant that part might be, it exists. and that is the true you..

These patterns are tricky things.. That conversation made me realise what i really want, which i had an inkling of, but i realised it in depth that night.. Sometimes help comes from the most unlikely of places.. We just need to keep our soul open to receive, and our heart open, to give.. :)

For everyone/everything else there are these tricky patterns.. Not for the real you! :)

About love

Be ready, this one, might turn into a LONG! post.. ;)

Just yesterday, coming back from a friend's wedding, in that not so comfortable sleeper coach, sitting on the upper berth, i wondered for some reason about what love is.. And realized that i was wondering aloud, resulting in all the tired, yet not wanting to sleep, heads to get ticking! Then they started pitching in their own definitions of what love is, maybe from what they've experienced, or heard from others. It also led to awkward situations and questions, pregnant pauses, and not so satisfactory answers.. But well the question still remains does anyone really know what love is? i'm still at a loss if i know what this feeling really is..

Some things that came through from others were..

Love is habit, when you stay with each other for long, share every moment of life, talk about everything with each other, cannot live without the other, when you need them , they become a habit and hence love is habit.

Love is adjustment, when you love a person (though we don't know what love is ;)), we are ready to adjust for them, even not do things which we so love to do, because they don't like them. So we adjust for them, because we want them to be happy, and don't want to hurt them, because we love them. So love is adjustment.

Love is sacrifice, might be a bit similar to adjustment, but with greater intensity. When you love someone, you are willing to sacrifice everything for them. No matter what it is. You might end up changing yourself completely for the one you love. Sometime sacrifice even includes giving up the person whom you so love, because you love them.. This might mean setting them free, or something similar. So love is also sacrifice.

Love is attraction, love is lust. For some, love is lust.. The sheer attraction and carnic desire to possess the body of the person they love, which in their opinion is love. It could be their way to express what they feel.

Love is pain, when a person feels sorrow, seeing the one they love in pain, then that is love. When you go through intense pain and are still willing to go through it with not one word of complain for the person you love, then that pain is love.

Love is patience, when you are willing to wait for someone to come to you no matter how long it takes, then that is love.

And so on and so forth.

I got a lot of opinions, but all most all of them comparing love to another emotion, or saying that that other emotion is what love is. All these things if considered individually cannot be termed as love. So, is love a gathering of all sorts of emotions? Or does love need the support of another emotion to define it? Is it like air or water, which is colorless, which cannot be seen without adding a color or flavor to it? Or does something like love does not exist on its own? it is always born out of a mixture of many emotions? Like some compound in scientific terms.

Then i asked, if love is habit, if after being with each other for so long you know everything about that person, and you are used to him, you know what his next move/reaction/action is going to be. Then, what is it when you don't spend time with the person, when due to certain external reasons it is not possible to share everything with him and yet you know what that person would do when? But whenever you meet, you are as synchronized as if you've been together for all your life? You will know exactly how the person is going to react, or be?

If love is adjustment/sacrifice, when you are willing to adjust for the sake of the other person's joy. Then, what is it, when the other person will not let you adjust, because he wants you to be the way you are, and though some of your things might cause him discomfort, he will not let it get to him? When he does not expect you to sacrifice anything, and neither will you want him to do the same?

If love is attraction if love is lust, if love is possessiveness, then what is it, when you know that the other person might be with someone else at any given point of time, and still you know what he is thinking of.. When even after so much timing having passed, you share the same chemistry, and know each other like your own self?

What is it when without even having met the person, without having seen the person, at the first contact you know he is someone different? When you know that the thing which you share is not that people commonly come across? What is it that knowing full well of the other person's situation, nothing stops you from feeling the way you do. Not even yourself, not even that person. Nothing can stop you, or the other person. What is it, when two people are so synchronized that the other knows what one person is doing, thinking or feeling, even if they are miles apart, and not in touch. What is it when you just know that something is meant to be, and it shall always stay, even if in the material world it does not come alive. It may not, but since it is so alive and vibrant, nothing can stop it from being. Nothing can stop it from being noticed. People may try not to acknowledge it, they may try to crush it, blame it, disgrace it, but it will shine through.. What is it, that goes through hardships so unmanly, inflicted upon it by those two people and some by other people too.. What is it? Is it love? But then do we really know what love is?

Can you tell me something about love? My soul seems to reach no conclusion on this topic.. About love..

Expectations and assumptions

We've all heard people talk about this, experience this and yet do this- expect. We've heard people say that expectations hurt. It is actually not the expectations that hurt, but the fact that they might not come true, or it not coming true, that hurts. So what if we expect something, and it doesn't happen, and yet we are alright with it? Then expectations won't hurt right? So in the end its how we deal with things or react to things that hurts. Not the things themselves.
Going a bit personal, recently, i'd decided that i'm not going to expect anything from a certain person in my life. There was a lot of hurt and negativity which led me to do certain things, but i ended up realising that inspite of all that, the basis had not changed even a bit. This realisation was what made me decide. To just keep doing what my heart tells me. To not question it at all and just keep following it. All this while not expecting anything in return. Though its a very hard task, and we always want to keep following our heart without questioning it, or the other person; reminding the "questioning-and-expecting-self" about not expecting, helps a lot! When you do this, even the smallest act or reaction from the other person feels like a huge bonus..
So thats that about expectations..
A very close friend of mine (C.Jo) an engineer loves to critisize economics. He says why do we have to assume so many things? What the point of proving things on the basis of assumptions? and so on and so forth.. But then don't we assume most of the things in life? Like you are on an Indian road, there is a round about, and you only look on the right side n then the left of the road, BUT what if someone is coming from the right side while you are looking on the left?!? Don't we assume that no one will do something like that? Rule or no rules, we assume this, and we expect people to follow it! might be a bit weird example, but the point it we keep assuming a lot of things in our daily lives as well.
So when things are not under your control, specially in case of feelings, why not assume for the better than the worst? This combined with no expectation, will work wonders in your favor. Of course it will demand a lot of patience. i mean truck loads of patience(so wish patience could come in small packets, like a drug, i would inject it daily!).