External or internal?

Sometimes its nice to relate our happiness or sorrow to things external to us. Though it is anything but true.. Wonder how many people are able to deal with the fact that the things and people that surround us are not actually the reason behind anything that we feel? That our sorrow and happiness and any other feelings (see also: seduction) are our own and not attributable to any external things. I get very scared n restless when this realisation hits me.. and it happens quite often. I feel that if these things all that we see cannot make me happy or sad or make me do nething else then what am i alive for? if everything comes from within myself then what is the point of having this physical world around me? why am i still here? But even after this fear and realisation hits me, it does not take the life out of me, so i have to deal with staying alive.. and then its good to have some anchor outside of myself to live for.. Though nothing seems to be that alluring once this realisation hits, but i cannot let go of the material world completely owing to the extreme fear..
I had some how managed to create an illusion for myself about many things, and though i know those things do not hold true in the larger scheme of things, i have to be material at some level. To rid myself of the fear and utter emptiness.. And then when i think of the humans that i live for, i understand that like me they too are going to be void of the material world, and hence they themselves are not material, i understand the connections and then the fear of losing them ebbs aways.. I find my buoy.. What is yours? within yourself or is it outside?